Pay Bitch!

I’m at the moment in life where I feel annoyed watching other people happiness. Its kinda sickening for myself to felt this way but at the same time, I know that I should allowed myself to feel this way caused pretending that I’m ok is not ok!

Its really tough to be good, having a good heart; I applaud person who could go above and beyond when dealing with other people. For me, I could be good with you to the extend that if you don’t understand me, I don’t really care. As friendship goes, I will help my friends and those who is close with me, but if its starting to make me worried and annoyed so you kinda know I will distance myself from you.

It’s not always all jolly in life. We all share our own up and down. No doubt the difficult time make us think about person who could help us. And we should cherish that person willingness to give us a hand. In reality, those hand are the one that hurt the most.

I like to help people, and being “nice” is the most frequent excuses from my “ex-es” to say about me when breaking up so I sort of understand that this side of me actually draining my energy. I should not be nice but I’m not perfect, being helpful is all I got to give even when its hurting me mentally and emotionally.

I got friends that I know when they contacted me, its only to ask me for some favor involving money. I even got friends that could chill out relax caused I paid the rent all the time. Not to mention those who don’t paid off but were keen to have great life, shopping wonders and holiday like no body business.

Its sickening, I’m here; on a budget. I’m not a rich kid. My family is not “first class” people and we enjoy our life as who we are. What we got is what we make with planning and lots of struggle. I start owning my budget plan back in primary school. Keeping aside 20cent to 50cent so that by the end of the month I could buy ice cream and stuff. I even go to other people house, to clean up their garden or just help around; earning a little cash to buy books or games.

Now when I’m older, I have to deal with people who take debt as if its not something serious. Its hurt. I don’t mind about payment and shit, if its unpaid so halalkan jea la. Its about the attitude. How could go you on with your life, knowing that you have an unpaid debt and still have fancy expensive stuff happening around you. What make you justified that paying debt is the last thing in your list.

If I were to pick between paying my house rent and a holiday in Korea, I would paid my house rent and pray that Korea is not ready for me. If I were to go out and basking myself with my friends, I make sure that I will paid of all debt with my friends even before the trips. I don’t want to be the guy who could afford spending RM50 but could not give RM50 to reduce any unpaid debt.

The more older you get, the more you should realize that no one will help you if you not willing to help yourself. You can go around and collect people who would be nice and generous toward you but you can’t make them stay if you just using them for yourself.

In the time of need, we do have that person that could help us. It ok, but we need to know between being there for him/her as a friends or being there just to score something out of it.

I will walk away if I felt that I’m pretending and not being myself. That is me. I could not control it, it better to have a distance if being close means that I need to be fake it. If I’m not happy with something, I rather be with myself.

And I don’t want my friends to be fake with me too. So if I detect that there is a displeasure between our conversation or the ways that we communicated, I don’t mind going away from that friendship.

Friends are friends, and friendship is a vessel. The direction and focus that it take is up to the person in-charge, so in my friendship - I put myself first. You can go shit yourself and do whatever, if I like you- I like you and if you see me away from you, you are shitting yourself so I will be away until you could clean up your act. I don’t want my friendship to smell yet alone make me sick.  

Please pay your debt and convey good messages to your friends. The real message, the reality of your life. Don’t fake your life. Make people think about you in your own ways. Don’t make them have 100 version of yourself.

I’m always will be nice but I’m not going to nicer to everyone. Caused at the end, I’m a fucking nice bitch. Literally!