BULI : THE SMALL PENIS GUY!

I write because I want to feel empowered by my own thought. It is in my head, apart of me and my other self that I often keep to myself.

So today I’m going to write a little bit about bully. Its a word that make me who I am today.

I’m a bullied victim.

Verbally, people call me

_ pondan/sissy

_stupid/bodoh

_ugly

_fat

_poor/miskin

Being 30, I still got people say those thing behind me or directly at me. Those words hurt me especially bila aku umur 9 tahun - 12tahun.. like really hurt me at that time; I got parent who don’t want me be friend with their son/daughter and call me “miskin”. I go to the toilet during recess and boys will call me “pondan”. I can’t even pee in peace and literally they say I got a small penis. I still remember at age of 12.. in December year 2000, I told myself- I don’t want to be that “atan” no more.

I realize I have my own name and I’m going to be a different person.

Now those negative words still lingering around me but it’s not as hurtful as it used to be.

Not just verbal bullying, I also victim of physical bullying as well.

Growing up as a kid who love everything and just want to be yourself is a tragic story. Well, that is my mistake.

Terlebih baik. Yang terjadi adalah, dipukul oleh kekawan waktu rehat, dibuli di tandas waktu PJ, basikal hilang dan kekadang ada atas pokok pada waktu balik sekolah. Oh the worse two that happened to me was ustaz suruh londeh seluar dalam kelas and I refuse and kekawan lain tolong dia untuk londehkan seluar saya dalam kelas sebab tak dapat mengaji dengan baik, another worse was get kick and “sit on” my back by all the boys in my classroom.

If I never change, I would still get bullied during high school.

Give yourself sometime.

Change.

What is change. Well, at the end of the day - I’m introvert and weird guy. I don’t like crowded place and talking to many people at the same time. I would go crazy if I need to be around people for 24hours or more. So I change myself, from introvert to be active and later I will find time to run away from that reality for a moment to be with myself. It felt like a crazy person.

You have two identities so that you could avoid from being bullied.

Its a crazy life. You can’t say that you are not crazy.

Pada tahap umur begini, masih lagi ke kena buli? Yes! It make you cry, it’s make you sad tapi diri kita adalah hak kita. Sesiapa sahaja boleh hadir dan kritik, kutuk, marah dan hina - its ok. Sebab sekurang-kurang mereka hadir untuk memperlihatkan kepada kita siapa mereka dan kita kena tabah serta kuat untuk bawak diri kita jauh dari insan-insan itu.

I always say, its ok to be alone cause you are never alone. God is listening silently and HE never stopped and that is His problem. Solution always there, just like Him - you need to listen and heard the right voice.

Hey, ada beberapa kekawan yang aku “diamkan” mereka, not because they are bad people - sebab diaorg too much noise. Kita bukan selamanya boleh jadi kanak-kanak, hidup riang ria umpama esok belum tentu milik kita dan segala dosa diampunkan.

Being bullied teach me that it never stop, and I need to always remember that it only stop if I make it stop. I have the power.

So untuk sesapa yang rasa dia dibuli - you have the power!

Biarkan orang yang panggil ko gemuk, hodoh, tua and bodoh - cause even if you are all that, you could still be fucking smart and walk away..

I just want to be happy. And during this MCO, am I happy? No! But at the same time- yes! I’m just not happy cause my place is not perfect. I did have demon who say I might as well die cause no one text me or that I’m still hiding myself from everyone.

That is why I’m writing this blog.

I want to be happy. Sometime I realize I do bullied myself as well. I try so hard being perfect that I forget the person who need to look at me and believed that I’m perfect is myself.

I still could not find someone who could love me as who I’m but I do have family and friends who care and love me as who I’m to them.

We are given time to be who we are and if we can’t find time to be who we are-- its just a waste!

If you are a kid, and you reading this - I’m happy that you’re reading. Its good! Read. Read. And read. That is how you going to discover who you are.

Like I said - bully stop cause you have the power to stop it. Believed in that power!

Ahmad could do it!

Afzal could do it!

Alfez could do it!

Atan finally doing it!

You can do it too!