ImAzih nisutAM

Around 4years ago I met a guy. It wasn’t suppose to meant anything. I was down and heartbroken and he was available. I spend a night at his place and that was a mistake. A mistake that eat me up ever since. I was in love. I’m still in love. I dunno.

It was stupid. It’s stupid!

The guy is so perfect. He is perfection. And the worse part is that I don’t even like him cause he is cute and good looking. I wish it could be just the appearance so that I could be shallow and blaming myself for being stupid in love with look.

But NO!

I wrote a list of a perfect person that I wanted to be my partner when I was 15. It was a list that have almost 30 stuff in it and he fit everything. I don’t know what God trying to do. But OH GOD! I can’t stop even a moment not thinking about him. You make the perfect person and show me the perfect person and the perfect person is out there - I can’t have him.

i know I don’t deserve him. I did even told him about this obsession. And it make worse cause he is “ok” with it and being nice about me being stupid, mad and insane about him. I’m stupid, mad and insane about him.

For the last couple of years, I been trying to find someone that could have a little bit of “him”. he is now the benchmark - the ultimate comparison, the “perfect guy”

This is madness.

Did I dated and have relationship with other people?  Yes! But did they manage to make me forget about him - NO!

I just wish; that I could lie and say I don’t want him.

I want him.

But I know I could not have him. Only in my dream.

Oh GOD! I want to kick you and say thank you! You so perfect and your perfection is ever lasting. God- I could not be mad at you. You show me perfection, enlighten me with your power and prove to me that “hey I’m GOD!” - I CAN GIVE YOU EVERYTHING and this is a little something.

I’m in love, with a guy that I know will not be able to love me, will not love me, will never be with me and I’m not even in his list or life.

I wish I’m a flower, blooming and die off eventually and slowly and just dry up.

Love is pain,

A splinter in vein,

Just pure migraine..

God! Please help me move on. Send someone better or just make me busy with someone that could close this chapter in my life.

I need to move on, I don’t want to die alone cause my afterlife is alone. In hell or heaven, loneliness is forever and please be kind-hearted and let me forget him.

He is happy. He is nice. He is perfect in his own life.

Please let him be happy. Make him as the nicest person. And keep his life perfect in his own way.

Love him GOD.

Care for him GOD.

Love me GOD.

Care for me as well GOD.

I love you GOD and thank you for your give to my heart! Now please help me. Calm me down!